sometimes it's what you say

When I taught kindergarten I got labeled as the teacher who can work with the "tough kids". This sometimes meant I had the children with more known learning issues, sometimes behavior issues, and sometimes it meant the difficult parent. (now let me tell you I do not understand the last one because I'm not good with parents!)

The challenge with kindergarten is... when you are labeled this teacher you get the children who come in and we know they have issues... nice thick IEP (Individualized Education Plan) to read through before you even meet the child or long sob stories from moms on how "terrible" their child has been in pre-K or whatever... buttttt you also get the unknown... it is kindergarten!

Anyway... one thing I worked on very hard was explaining to the children that they choose to behave the way they behave. (insert upset parent of child with ADHD trying to tell me their child can't choose... ummm yes they can!) Ever action a child makes is a choice. You choose to listen, you choose to behave, you choose to throw that book on the floor.

At the same time I always explained that I cared about each child, and that each child was special to me. I always told them I many not like your choices but I do like you. Some children have never heard this before. Some children only get attention when they do things wrong. They do not know how to deal with positive praise.

With Blake I've already started talking about choices. Yes, I've blogged about giving him choices such as what clothes to wear or what to have for breakfast, but those aren't the choices I'm talking about. I'm talking about the choice to be gentle with Abby over hitting her. The choice to follow directions instead of ignoring Mommy. When Blake does something right Richard and I will often say "thank you for making a good choice" And when he is doing something against our wishes we ask "Is that a good choice?" At 18 months he is beginning to understand this already.

The big reason I started this in school was so often these children who had issues had been told you are bad when it's not the child who is bad, it is that the child is making a bad choice. I tell Blake he is a good boy (or being a big boy, or something on those lines) often... not all the time, but often. But, I never use the term bad boy with him. I would rather say that is a bad choice and then he realizes he made the decision to do the wrong thing... it doesn't make him bad, it makes him realize he shouldn't do that!

I can honestly tell you that doing this with some of the children in my classes helped them change their opinion of themselves. When children start looking at their actions as choices they realize they are in control of their behavior, they are in control over how people look at them, they choose to be the person they want to be!

16 comments:

  1. I do this too, but I've found it is way easier to do with my students than my own kids!

    I see baby 2 is due almost any day now (or it must feel that way)! Hurray!

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  2. Great post! I hope my son gets a teacher like you when he goes to kindergarten. I always try to praise him when he does make good choices and it usually works to avoid him making bad ones just to get my attention.

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  3. Lucky you. I like that idea... that they have a choice in their actions. Interesting.

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  4. I agree with you Lori! That is what I do with my PreK kids and Sonia. I started that early with her also and she realizes when she is making a good choice and when she is not.
    What do you mean you were not good with Parents? You must have been because I bet ALL the children and Parents adored you!!!!!!!!!

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  5. the same is true even in 2nd grade- from the label of being the teacher who can work with 'those kids' to the choices and word phrasing. It all holds true! You hit the nail in the head with this one!

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  6. I try to stress the same things to my students. Sometimes kids will say, "so and so is a bad boy/girl." I always say, "He/She is not bad- just not making very good choices." Or I remind them that they have conrtol of their bodies and actions. I have a very difficult class and I know a lot of it stems from issues at home. I hope I will remmebr all of these things as Eliza gets older. BTW I think you are due on my last day of school! We are both counting down.

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  7. I completly agree! I do the same with my own kids and the kids I teach. I really do think it helps!

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  8. I totally agree with everything here Lori, you are a great teacher and are a wonderful parent.

    :-)

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  9. Excellent advice! I agree 100%...and we come across this all the time when we work with youth! But I think it is a lot easier to start when they are young...that's for sure!

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  10. I totally agree!!! This was one thing I learned from you when we worked together, and I've always done it in my class with my students ever since.
    Hope you're doing well!!!!
    Julie :)

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  11. I agree with you in that they all DO have choices...you're starting right with Blake by starting early!

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  12. I love to use the words choice and decision. I must use them a lot b/c MM has started using them too:)

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  13. This is a big one around here. The first time I heard my husband say, You are being a very BAD boy," I almost choked. I thought this was SO obvious NOT to say. It's the CHOICE that is bad, NOT the child. It's fun to overhear him now with the kids, "That was not a good decision," (he says decision, but I like choice ...whatever).

    So important to remember this. We don't know what memories kids will hold on to as they grow older. It would be a horrible shame if it's the memory that they are not a good person. Parents and teachers must rework their semantics.

    Good topic Lori.

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  14. Great post. I found myself nodding in agreement. I used many of these suggestions in my classroom, and with my guys, as well. It's such a foreign concept to some parents.

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