All is Not Fair

As a child I was raised to believe that fair means giving each what they need. Fair is not always equal and equal is not always fair. As a teacher I always told my classes and their parents that I will treat and teach all the children fairly, but that does not mean they will all be treated or taught the same.

I recently read an article in Family Circle Magazine called All is Not Fair, by Karin Fuller (on-line it's called Not Every Kid Deserves a Prize). I not only read this article, I pulled it out of the magazine, had Richard read it and then sat down to underline the parts I felt were blog worthy.

I have sat through 2 soccer seasons in which they do not keep score, but it is nothing like t-ball. In soccer the children are all encouraged to play their hardest. They are praised for good plays, be it a pass, throw-in or goal. They cheer for their teammates. The parents are excited to see good plays no matter what team makes them. It could be the coaches Blake had, but it seemed that that was the norm watching most coaches. Each child gets a trophy at the end of the season though, which at 3 and 4 is nothing more than a dust collector. Do they actually care if they get a trophy? They like getting one, but I don't think that they would be disappointed if they didn't get one. I agree with Fuller who stated "...if you start something, you finish it. And that gets an "atta girl" not a trophy." Children need to learn to participate for the intrinsic value of participating and finishing. They need to find what they are good at and find pride in doing his/her best.

In t-ball there seems to be this need for "equality". Each child bats in each inning. There are no outs. On Blake team last week they insisted each child catch the ball each inning. So those who are really "into" playing the game would get the first few and then they had to sit there and watch while the other got a turn. Why did this come about? We had children crying because they didn't get to touch the ball. Ummm you got to play, but you can't expect the ball to roll into your glove. So many of the parents were complaining that it wasn't fair that their child didn't get his/her turn. As Fuller stated in her article "Are we so obsessed with fairness that we raise children to believe everyone should be treated the same, regardless of effort of skill?" I realize that they are learning to play, but should you punish the children who want to learn that game because other children cry when they don't get the attention? Aren't there other ways to motivate those children in leu of telling the more attentive players to back off?

When I was a teacher I did not give every child a sticker, certificate or what not. I tried to find positives in each child every few weeks. I didn't want one child to get all the attention, and others none. But, each child received different things for different reasons. If I gave out only awards for knowing the alphabet, children who came into kindergarten knowing how to read did not need to be rewarded for learning their letters. A child who is struggling to learn the letters in his/her name should also not be rewarded for at as it is still not mastered. If every child gets the same reward for the same thing, what does the reward mean? Fuller states "What they're failing to see is that rewarding everyone, the trophy is devalued, or the certificate becomes nothing but a piece of nice paper with a pretty font." Would it not mean more if the child actually worked hard to earn it? If they were one of a few who was recognized than one of many or the whole group? What are we teaching children by giving everyone the same?

Are we not doing a disservice to children? (Fuller states) "By bolstering self-esteem across the board, we're sending the message that self-esteem is more important that hard work and achievement. But, ultimately, high self-esteem doesn't guarantee success. That takes self-discipline, self reliance and self-control." "We need to challenge our children to excel and reward them when they do, but kids also need to know they're loved regardless of whether they win a prize."  Different children excel in different areas. Different children see success in different ways. One child may feel playing the game and participating and/or the thrill of the win is the reward itself. Other children may be motivated by verbal praise from their parents and coaches. Still others may just want the high five or pat on the back.

When I was growing up these internal motivators were the rewards. This was the way parents pushed their children by praising a good attempt, hard work and effort. By recognizing the child who went above and beyond. Most children were not "paid" for grades or good behavior. You did it to please yourself and your parents. Often times parents turn towards rewarding children with food, toys and money. Which is not a great thing, in my opinion, but when you reward them with these things for no effort, then why put in the effort? Why should I try when I'm just going to get the same thing as the child who sits next to me? Why should I go above and beyond?

I feel Karin Fuller states it best when she concluded by saying: "Ultimately, we aren't simply raising children -- we're raising adults. And if we want them to become functioning members of society, they need to learn how to win and lose. They need to be able to take criticism, cope with arbitary decisions and handle setbacks. They need to see that people who work hard to achieve - even if they fail at first- will be rewarded more than those who don't. That's called real life. And it's fair."

Public Praise

When we go places I often have people stop me to tell me how cute my boys are. Hey often tell me that they look alike... yeah no! I've even had a fair share of people ask me if my boys are twins. I always say thanks and move on. I don't think of these as real praise. I'm mean come on are you going to stop someone and tell them their child is ugly or dorky looking or something else? Yes, I know they could just walk by, but I am one of those people who thinks that saying someone is cute or handsome or anything like that means nothing. Yes, I'll be polite and say thanks, but I keep on going.

Today twice I had someone tell me my sons were well behaved and respectful. This is true praise. When I was picking them up from the Y one of the teachers said "your boys are such a joy to have here, they always listen." She went on to say that I must be doing something right because they are respectful. She was listening to Colby ask me if he had his class today and I told him no, not today. She looked at me and said "how do you do it". Most kids would get upset and throw a fit if their parents told them not today. My boys don't. They know that they don't get things just because they ask. I can take them to the toy section of the store and they know that they are just looking, 9 times out of 10 they don't get anything.

When we were at the grocery store waiting at the deli, the deli man said "It's nice to see such well behaved boys. And they are always happy too." Now don't get me wrong my boys are FAR from perfect. I just like the fact that they have learned at an early age how to behave in public. They have learned that they need to be quietish in the stores, they need to sit safely and wait their turn. We have worked hard on understanding boundaries and respecting other people's space.

I enjoy it when someone stops me to give me a real compliment on my sons. It really makes my day. (o:

"Say way to go Mommy"

When I was a kindergarten teacher, I was always amazed at how many children expected to get something for every little thing they did. I did not believe in using whole class behavior plans and I certainly did not reward my students for doing what they were supposed to do. I did have a few children each year who needed an individual behavior plan of some kind, but they never got rewards for their behavior beyond a sticker if they even got that. I was not going to contribute to their need to be rewarded. I would rather send a note home that told the parents about a good day, or give out high fives or a "pat on the back" than give them a prize.

With the exception of potty training, I have not rewarded my children for their behavior. And, they don't expect it! We can go to the store and not buy them something and there are no tears. I'm not saying they don't ask, but they don't usually get anything. They get candy, toys, computer time, stickers and such just cause, not as a reward.

My goal is for them to become self-motivated and find rewards in the accomplishments not in the rewards accumulated because of the accomplishments, or worse the rewards given for the expected. This is becoming evident lately.

When I began potty training Blake this final time, I gave in and rewarded him with Monster Trucks and then dinosaurs. But, at the time I felt like I had to step out of the box and do something to get his attention. I needed to do something that he didn't expect. Once he began to understand how the process works we went to high fives and whoohoo's I'm proud of you. That is what he is looking for now. He doesn't ask for trucks or dinosaurs after he goes the bathroom. He comes out and say "I did it all myself!" He will ask for a high five or say "proud of me?" or "say way to go mommy". I also hear Colby saying these things when he does things on his own too. They are proud of themselves and want Richard and I to be proud of them too. My pride for them is free to give, but what's most important is that they are proud of themselves!

praise

As my sons get older, I find myself even more focused on how and what we praise. As a teacher, I became rather adamant about specific praise. I found that many children were used to hearing "good job" and even worse "good boy/girl" in reference to little to non-important tasks. When you give unspecific praise to menial tasks it makes people feel they need to be acknowledged for any and everything they do. It also takes away the value of praise.

When we praise the boys we try to use specific praise. "Thank you for listening to me", "I really liked the way you helped Colby", "Good choices", "good job pushing in your chair".... We praise behaviors that are new skills that we are trying to encourage and/or older skills that are slacking at the time.

We have never rewarded our sons for actions or learning. Ok we tried with the whole potty training thing, but it didn't help. We want the boys to learn that they should choose to do the right thing because it is the right thing. They need to choose to learn for the sake of learning.

Do I think parents who reward their children are wrong... no. Do I think that rewarding children for an exceptions is wrong, yes. You don't reward a 3 year old for walking, but you may want to reward them for behaving in the grocery store. Just as you wouldn't praise a 3 year old for playing with his toys, but you may praise him for cleaning up without a fuss.

I've always felt that empty praise is just as bad as an empty promise or empty threat. Neither has much value in the growth of a child. When you make empty promises/threats to children, they learn that they can not trust the words of adults. They learn that lies are ok. When you make empty praise they feel that their actions have less importance. They feel that there is do difference between the types of actions that occur.

Caught you being good

As a kindergarten teacher, I did not reward children for doing what they were supposed to do. I came across too many children who were rewarded at home for doing the littlest things that they should be doing anyway, so then when they came to school they expected the same thing. I did go out of my way to acknowledge and occasionally reward the children who went above and beyond to help a friend, do something for the classroom or other things that they were not expected to do. Often times I would just jot a note that said "I was caught being helpful today", which they could then bring home and share with their families.

With Blake I have found that the more I praise him the more he is willing to do. I still do not make a big deal out of doing the things I expect him to do without reminders. But, I will praise him if it is a new skill that he still needs to be reminded to do. I especially go out of my way to praise him when he interacts gently with Colby.

Children need praise... children need encouragement, but children also need to learn to do things because they are expected to do them, AND they need to learn to be happy for themselves for doing the right thing.

I feel that Blake will learn to self-motivate because he is praised, but not over praised. And, yes I will do the same thing with Colby!

Compliments!

As a teacher, the best thing you could hear was how well behaved your class was during a given situation. I loved to hear people compliment my class about their behavior in the halls, cafeteria, assemblies etc. But I always thought the best was to get compliments from substitute teachers. Those who see and hear it all... those who are in the thick of it.

This past weekend we had an out of town guest staying with us. She couldn't say enough about how well behaved Blake was and how cute it is to watch him read and play. She was surprised at how social he was and the fact that he was very caring at such a young age.

Yesterday, my sister-in-law came over to watch Blake so we could go out to dinner. She had spent the morning watching another child who is a few months older than Blake. She was shocked at how well he did and listened. Also how I could tell her what he would need and when for the most part. We only left him for about an hour (I wanted to be home for bedtime).

It brought about a lot of pride to hear others praise Blake. I'm pretty proud of my little guy, but it is nice to have others recognize it too!